Two weeks ago I was walking down the sidewalk with my younger brother, and noticed I was having a strong experience of déjà vu. The next moment I woke up in an ambulance with two handsome men enthusiastically declaring, “You had a seizure!”
The good news, as my brother told me, was that I came out of the seizure laughing. The hospital staff wasn’t even sure at first I had suffered a seizure; perhaps I merely passed out, because I was so very conversational after regaining consciousness. But after several different tests, it turned out that I did have a seizure, and that it was probably caused by the 3.5cm benign tumor that has taken over a portion of the top left of my skull bone. While quite a shock to discover, this “epidermoid,” as the doctors called it, could have been present since birth. Even though it may have been pressing on my brain all this time, it has only just shown itself to be an issue.
Although you never hope to hear such news regarding your own body, there are many things I have to be grateful for in my situation. The tumor is almost certainly benign, it is not in the brain itself but in the skull bone, and it is in an easily accessible area. And come November 5th I will undergo surgery to have it removed.
So now what? Where is the lesson in this? While I do feel that my religious practices, spiritual study, meditation, Yoga, and the writing of each post here on Let Yourself Learn have been tremendous training for just such a life altering situation, I have been at a loss for insight. I have experienced fear, confusion, mistrust of people’s advice, and even a small dose of self-pity. Yet through all of those feelings I kept saying to myself, “I am on the cusp of acceptance, I am on the edge of peace.”
There is a deeper knowing that, even in a moment of fear, still faintly flickers as a beacon for the understanding and abundant miracles to come. Sharing my situation with all of you helps to fan that flame.
In my last post I talked about the uncertainty in my life, the space being created, and what it was teaching me about living in the present. With something like brain surgery looming in the future, the present moment becomes more obviously the only tolerable space to inhabit. There is no more time for what-if scenarios; the suffering they create far outweighs the mild ego satisfaction of “knowing” the future.
Before this series of events took place I had planned to write about my acceptance into the Living Yoga Training program at the Satchidananda Ashram, where I was going to live the yogic lifestyle and be of service to their community for one month starting yesterday. I thought I was finally going to get that push into present moment awareness I so longed for. Now sitting here, at my same old apartment in Chicago, I am learning what it means to be present in a way I never could have thought up. It may not look like it now, but this is happening for me, it is part of the highest potential for my life journey, and I am right on the cusp of acceptance, right on the edge of peace.