The lessons contained in loss are infinite and ever available. One of the more curious lessons I am presented with now, when catching up with friends, or having dinner with family, is why it seems so insurmountable to merely admit the loss I have sustained. I feel I have to explain how and why my nearly decade long relationship ended. And I feel like I’m grasping at reasons their minds will find satisfactory, and that will help me to be understood. For years my own mind regularly spun reason after reason for both striving for the continual sustenance of a loving relationship and the acceptance that it could no longer be sustained. While this may not sound adequate to the mind, the truth is, I stepped out from this known into the unknown because for me it truly couldn’t have been otherwise, and I couldn’t ignore my inner knowing that the hardest thing was the right thing to do.
In jest I have found myself saying lately that parting from someone I will always carry love for was much harder than brain surgery. But that laughter just makes it more comfortable to say something I know to be true. Facing the possibility of my own mortality was easier to accept, while watching the death of a love partnership was almost unbearable. Yet, I bore it. I am bearing it.
The other, more significant, lesson that I experience regularly now is the transmutation of pain through acceptance. I accept the pain I am going through now, and because of that the pain doesn’t cause me suffering. The experience of this pain is necessary; it will course through my atmosphere until it dissipates in the light of my consciousness. I know I do not have to hold onto it. I know my awareness can contain it and not be demolished. I know that whenever I need to I can give myself permission to not think, and instead merely perceive. In this way, the present moment is a refuge from suffering. Even when I feel most alone here, God is here, and I can never be alone.
I thought at first it may have been easier for my mind if something had “happened,” or if I was angry. But letting go because I knew I had to, with gratitude and love still in my heart, will emerge as a God given grace. And I will find that, as I already do in some moments, the love we created lives ever inside of me and is available for me to call on whenever I most need it.
To those who are sustaining new losses in their lives, and to those navigating long-lived experiences of loss, our hearts are one. I wish you peace, I wish you love, I wish you comfort. It is easy to feel our oneness now. May my healing be your healing, as yours too is truly mine.